Off on the (very) wrong foot

I’m now convinced that the PR’s sole objective is to waste as much of a journalist’s time as possible in search of the almighty proverbial.

I received and e-mail last week from a ‘consultant’ at an unnamed PR agency (of course, you know who you are) requesting me to complete a client survey. OK nothing new, I admit, but the interesting – so interesting I’m forced to blog about it in the slightest hope the PR community will read this so it doesn’t happen again, wishful thinking I know – thing about this message was that it represented the very_first_engagement with me. That’s right, never before in my life had I so much as exchanged electrons with this person and I get asked to waste my time on a survey to help people who get paid an obscene amount of money to ‘market’ a company’s offerings. Go figure.

I’ve publicly stated my stance on client surveys but my message seems to have gone unnoticed. I think an analysis of one is in order.

Here’s a transcript of the introduction – PRs words in italics, gedda.info’s translations in regular font.

XXXXX media audit

We think you are just there to be used to so instead of trying to build any sort of relationship we’ll spam you, and as many other journalists as possible, with hope that the law of averages gives us something with which to bill our client. And we’ll use the word “audit” to try and put you on the back foot and convey a sense of authority on our part.

Hi there,

I’m too lazy to personally request you to do this survey, which I know will waste your time, so I’ll type up a master and tweak it a little as required.

My name is XXXXX and I have recently joined XXXXX PR team

In case you had trouble reading my name and the company I represent in my e-mail address, I’ll spell both out like some sort of moronic Playschool host.

I have already chatted with XXXXX & XXXXX and I look forward to meeting with you in the future when our paths cross!

I don’t know you from a bar of soap, but I’ll mention that I’ve spoken with two of your colleagues in the hope that you’ll look favourably upon me and my fatuous request.

Before that time though I have a request which I hope you may be able to help with…

I’m the type of salesperson that upon introducing myself to my potential customers I ask them for a really big favour…

If you had a couple of minutes to spare today could you have a look at the 4 quick questions below?

I know you are busy but may I waste a few minutes of your time today with four irrelevant questions so I can make money?

I’ve been asked to gather feed back from key media players with regards to XXXXX and your thoughts would be incredibly valuable.

My client has a marketing budget it doesn’t know what to do with so it’s blindly investing in media relations without any overall marketing strategy and I’m getting paid to harvest any journalist’s opinion so it doesn’t matter if your opinions are completely useless.

I only need very top line comment and there will be no naming of names!

Again, I’ll take whatever commentary I can get and your name and publication will accompany your opinions because the survey would be worthless otherwise.

You can email me your responses or if you would prefer me to call you I will do?

If you e-mail me your comments I’ll get paid once but if I also put in a phone call I’ll get paid again.

Thanks Rodney, much appreciated.

Because journalists are easy going and aren’t paid by the minute I can safely assume that you’ll respond to my request.

So there, how’s that for an introduction? If only I was that cunning with my pick-up lines… *sigh*. Now for the survey questions…

1. Who would you categorize as the key players in the XXXXX market both globally and locally? Who are the key players in the XXXXX XXXXX market both globally and locally?

Our competitive analysis is so bad we have to resort to paying PR consultants to bother journalists to see whether our competitors are top of mind with the media.

2. What is your perspective on XXXXX as a company?

Since we have absolutely no communication with the media we have no idea how journalists perceive our company.

3. Do you understand their corporate strategy and product offerings?

We have no idea of the brand awareness, or perception, of our corporate strategy and product offerings so we expect a random survey of the media to fill that gap in our marketing strategy.

4. What do you see as XXXXX’s greatest strengths and weaknesses?

Although you’ve probably never used our products or services we’ll waste your time by asking you a question that would only yield a useful answer if we bothered to ask the people that it is relevant to – our customers.

It may seem I’m being overly critical of the PR consultant but it’s really the vendor that is to blame for this sort of nonsense. Marketing budgets are as tight as ever but does that mean the basics should be thrown out in favour of straw clutching like surveying the media? I think not.

Rodney